30 Days of Lists.... two week update

So I've successfully made out a list for every day of October.  The lists are of completely random things that I want to do, things I need to do, and appointments I need to remember.  A lot of the items I write down are reminders to myself that I have things going on.

Doing this has taught me quite a few things about myself.  Although, I'm not sure I know exactly what those things are.  I'm either lazy and don't actually do anything with my life, or I have high expectations of what I can achieve everyday, and I'm not meeting those expectations in the slightest.  I've come to these conclusions based on the number of things that I write down, and that don't get done.  Sometimes they get pushed to the next day, and I've had things written down 3 or 4 days in a row.  Sometimes they just don't get done at all, because I've become derailed and gone off to do something else entirely.  But there are a lot more things written that don't get cross off than the ones that do.

However, whether or not I get things done wasn't the point of this project.  In that aspect, it's becoming very successful.  I'm capturing my life, and what I'm doing with it.  I'm thinking that next month I may try more abstract things, rather than those with tangible results.  I need to focus on some different things, and next month may have more planning involved as well, rather than just throwing ideas down and hoping I get to them.  But again, that doesn't really matter.  Maybe I'll feel differently at the end of the month, and have new ideas for November.  But for now, I'm enjoying the activity, and seeing where it goes.

30 Days

I'm not the type of person who journals.  This blog is the closest thing I come to that.  But I found a concept online that sounds intriguing.  It's called 30 days of lists.  It was actually a book that you could purchase in this etsy store, but I like the idea itself.  

The idea is simple.  You can capture part of your life for one month simply by making lists.  Lists of things you have to do, want to do, errands to run, and things to pick up at the store.  It can have random thoughts and ideas, without putting time and effort into putting them out into coherent statements.  

I've decided to try this for October.  I have a mini composition notebook that will be perfect.  Every day I will write something in it, and I will work to achieve what I have written.  Some days will have simple things to do after work, while my weekends will contain much more.  If I don't achieve something, it will make its way onto the next day.  If there is a reason why something wasn't done, I'll try to write why... Although I feel like the reason will often be because I'm too optimistic about how little time something will take, and how much I can get done in a certain time period.

My goal is to make a list everyday for the rest of the year.  I've decided that if I am successful, then I will treat myself to this, for my lists of 2012.  

I like the idea of not only have a goal, but capturing my life in a simple way, with a complete overview, rather than specific focus.  It's something to capture me, and who I am, so I can look back at my life. 

Vacation

This past weekend I got a free trip to New Orleans.  A family I babysit for paid for my ticket to come down with the for a wedding.  I had to babysit during the rehearsal and the reception, but also had plenty of time to explore the city on my own.

I got down there on Friday, and after a day of travel I ended up crashing early with the girls.  Saturday morning I got up and walked around the city a bit, did some shopping, then headed back to get ready for the wedding.  I had to meet up with the family at 12:30, and the wedding was at 3.  The ceremony was at St. Louis' Cathedral, which was absolutely gorgeous.  Pcitures were done outside in Jackson Square, and the weather couldn't have been better.  There was then a second line through the French Quarter.  From what I under, this is traditional for NOLA weddings.   It's basically a parade, led by a brass band and then the bride and groom, followed by the rest of the wedding party and guests.  It was a lot of fun!  Afterwards I went back with the girls and hung out until about midnight.

OKcupid has a new function called locals, where it uses your gps location through the app on your phone, and finds other active users in the local vicinity.  Through this, I ended up meeting James, who was from New Jersey, and in the city for work.  We met up, walked up and down Bourbon St., had beignets at Cafe du Monde at 3 am, and hung out and talked until after 4 in the morning.  We had a couple of drinks, and experienced the "to-go" cup.  In NOLA, there aren't laws preventing you from drinking outside.  You can walk into a bar, buy a drink, and then go back outside and enjoy it while wandering around. It was nice to have a friend to hang out with, so I wasn't wondering around at night by myself.

NOLA "to-go" cup

I went to the aquarium and the zoo on Sunday.  It was a lot of fun!  I wondering around and did a ton of walking.  I came home, napped and then went out for dinner.  I had an amazing meal, with authentic NOLA spices.  It was sooo good!  I grabbed a beer and walked around a little bit, and then went back to the hotel to pack and crash.  Monday was spent doing some more shopping, and hanging out until my heading to the airport.

Blackened chicken with jambalaya and a homemade cream sauce

The culture and food in NOLA was amazing.  There are musicians everywhere playing on the streets.  Shops with local art, jewelry and antiques are on every corner.  The food is delish!  Two things that are must haves in the city are pralines and beignets.  Beignets were my favorite, a mix between fried dough and doughnuts. I definitely wasn't following weight watchers while I was there.  While I had a lot of fruit and water, and did quite a bit of walking, I wasn't going to deprive myself of the flavors that NOLA has to offer. It was worth it, but its not easy getting back on track when you get back home.

Smoking Time Jazz Club and beignets from Cafe du Monde

Surprisingly, I had a pretty good time by myself.  There weren't any times when I felt self-conscious or uncomfortable being on my own.  When I had meals I sat and read my book, and I had no issues wandering around and doing my own thing.  In some aspects, I actually liked being on my own better than being with other people.  I got to do my own thing, at my own pace, with nobody's unwanted interference.  It was all about me, and what I wanted to do.

Living at home

I moved home after graduation, and it was a disaster. My sister still lived at home, and her, my mom and I would clash constantly. I made it about a year, and then I moved off on my own.

DIY projects

I am the queen of unfinished projects.  Whatever it may be, I get all amped up, work on it for awhile, usually get about halfway through, and then put it aside.  That's the point when a month goes by before I pick it up again.  Most of my projects are knitting projects, but there are others involved too.  My bff got a scarf for her birthday in 2009, but I didn't finish it until her birthday in 2010. 

I have recently discovered pinterest.  I had signed up a few months ago to view some things, but didn't actually use it.  To be perfectly honest, I didn't even really know what it was, or how to use it.  But in the last 3 days I have become addicted!  I use it for everything.  

The concept is pretty easy once you figure it out.  Each user has a page in which they have different boards, each board being for a different category or subject.  Basically whatever they want them to be.  Then each board has 'pins.'  The pins are basically links to different webpages.  Its like a visually and categorically designed way to view your bookmarks.  But the you can share them with everyone.  You can 'repin' something from another user, and others can do the same for things you pin.  You can follow boards, and others can follow yours.  Anything you see is up for grabs. 

I have a bunch of different boards.  I have recipes I want to try, recommendations I've already made, and desserts.  I have craft ideas, DIY projects, and fun/inspirational quotes.  My favorites are the recipes I want to try, and the DIY projects.

Money is tight this year, so I think I'll be doing more of the homemade types of gifts.  I figure its the end of September now, so that gives me a few months to work on stuff.  I love Christmas shopping, because I love buying things for the people I love.  I have a hard time passing up a good deal.  My mom jokes that I can't walk into a store without buying something, and its kinda the truth.  So hopefully I can focus on the projects, rather than spending money.  It's the thought behind the gift that matters, not the gift itself. So hopefully this year I can actually work on these projects from start to finish, and be happy enough with the results to gift them.  'Tis the season!

Exercise and Weight Loss, take 2

One of my very first blog posts was about weight loss, and how I was going to get up off my ass, and join the gym.  Well, for once I am proud to say that I actually did something I said I was going to do.  I'm notorious for making a big deal of something, and then letting something insignificant become a perfect excuse for why I don't do it.  I'm great at excuses.

As of July 20, 2011, I had lost 15.6 lbs on weight watchers.  Eight weeks later, that number is an even 19.  I had a few of gains in the middle, where I fell of the plan, but I proceeded to pick myself up, and then I had a 3 lb loss.  That was everything I gained, and then some. But that's all part of the plan.  Weight watchers is a lifestyle, not a diet, and there will be ups and downs.  And I won't let the downs prevent me from moving forward.

I'm still bad about the gym.  I'll be good for a few days, and then I'll fall off.  Usually the good days are the beginning of the week, and I slack on my days off and the weekends.

I need to change this.  I started meeting with the trainer once a week to teach me what I need to know about strength training.  I don't want to hurt myself by doing something stupid.  And I like working with him.  It's adding something to my cardio, and I'm almost at the point where I think I could start doing stuff on my own.  Maybe...

But I need to get up and go. That's my biggest problem. I know that I can't get where I want to be if I don't.  I want to be fit, and I want to be healthy.  And going to the gym regularly will help me do that.  I'm still not happy with my body.  I'm down several sizes, and at the size that I want to stay at.  So now I need to focus on toning and strength training.  I can do this.

Online Dating and moving on

When I first broke up with Mike I decided to take the first step into the world of online dating.  I wasn't looking to jump into anything serious right away.  But I realized that I had to put myself out there in order to move on.  When we broke up for good the second time, I reactivated my account.  

And surprisingly, I find it exhilarating.  The last few weeks have given me the opportunity to look at all the things that were wrong with my relationship, why it ended, and what I really want in my life. I'm looking out there and seeing that there are so many guys that want the same things.  Guys with hopes and dreams and goals for their lives. 

Right now I'm using okcupid, which is a free option for online dating.  I found it to be the best option out there.  I've taken the initiative and sent some messages, and I've had some guys message me.  I haven't set up any dates yet, but I've had some conversations that were, to say the least, interesting.

I originally decided to give the free option a chance just to see what's out there.  I wasn't ready to look for something serious.  Then I got back together with my ex, and the second time it ended, I had a lot more closure, and was more confident.  I'm glad we got back together, because it allowed me the opportunity to really realize a few things.  And I have trully moved on.  Sure I have my moments, we were together for a year and shared a lot together, but for the most part, I'm glad that its over.  I think that when I do miss something, it's that I miss him, but I don't miss our relationship at all. 

I'm ready to try something new.  I've never really dated before... Mike and I were in a relationship within a week of meeting each other.  And I've always lacked a confidence when it comes to meeting guys, and putting myself out there for someone. But for once, It's all about me. I can be picky, and I can wait for a guy that makes me feel special.  I think that I'm pretty awesome, and I deserve nothing but the best.  I'm trying to be more confident, and to let everyone out there see who I really am.  I forgot for a little while, but I've found myself again, and I'm ready to share that with the world.

Growing Up

I have a feeling over the next few years I'm going to write quite a bit about growing up.  At the age of 24, a lot of things are going to be changing.  Weddings, houses, babies.  It's crazy.  While I don't see myself anywhere near old enough to encounter these things, I find my peers taking these steps.

In the last year, I've  attended 3 weddings, and was in 2 of them.  I know that I'm now at the age where all of this begins, and will attend many more weddings over the next couple of years.  Last week I stood up as Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding.  This weekend we toasted my sister and her husband on their 1st anniversary.

Seana and Bobby... married 8/27/2011

As a single woman in my mid-20's, it's tough watching all my friends pair off and take these steps.  Not to say I'm not extremely happy for them, because that's not the case at all.  But, at the moment, I only have one other single friend.  Everyone else has been with their significant other for years.

And then come the babies.  J, one of my closest friends, has 2 adorable kids. I love spending time with the 3 of them.  But at the same time, its tough for her to get away without them.  Same with my sister.  My niece is 7 months old, and pretty much the cutest thing on the planet (I may be slightly biased).  My sister is only 22, and already has a family and a fabulous life.  It's hard not to be jealous.  She never seems to have time to return a phone call, and I don't see her or the baby nearly often enough. I don't want to sound bitter, I know that she's busy, but I miss them both, and hate only seeing them a few times a month, especially because they only live 25 minutes away.

I mean, isn't she precious!

Here I am, at 24 years old, working a job that has nothing to do with my degree, struggling with a load of debt (to get said degree I don't use), and living at home with my parents.  In the last couple of months I've gone from being that person in a steady serious relationship, who lived on my own, so where I am today.  But when it comes down to it, I'm happy with where I am.  The decisions I made were difficult, but there were what was best for me. I'm not ready for the lives that my friends have. I'm just starting the adventure of being an adult.  I'm not quite ready to grow up yet.

Breakups

Here I am, 10 days after celebrating our anniversary, and only 3 weeks into giving our relationship another chance, and my relationship is over. The breakup was completely necessary, and wasn't a surprise in the slightest.  But I feel better about it this time around.

The first time that Mike and I broke up, on the 4th of July, our relationship had simply fallen apart.  We both had big things going on in our lives, and we weren't happy.  Not necessarily with each other, but with life in general. But we were taking out our frustrations on each other, and our relationship.  We were apart for 6 weeks, and then decided to give it a second try.   I knew by the second day together that it wasn't going to work.  But I fought for it.  I love him, and for me, that was enough to try.

The problem, as it turned out, was that he wasn't as willing to try.  He complained that we fell into old habits, and turned right back into the couple that we were in June, when we were so unhappy.  I pointed out that things can't be different if you do the same things you did before, and I couldn't do all the work myself.  I tried, he did not.  He wasn't willing to stand up for me to his friends, and to justify that he wanted this relationship to work.

I was angry.  I yelled, and I blamed.  And then I broke down.  Because even though I was sure that it needed to end, and that we couldn't go forward like this, it doesn't change the fact that I am in love with him.  And since he is my first love, I will probably always have love for him. I wasn't as ready as I thought to let that go.   But I did.

I'm surprisingly ok today.  As much as it has sucked, I'm glad that the last few weeks happened.  I'm glad that we got back together, despite how horribly it ended.  I think it was able to give me the closure that was missing the first time around.  We just aren't meant to be together.

I had signed up for okcupid when we broke up the first time around.  I wasn't looking to jump into anything serious, just to put myself back out there.  I wouldn't be able to move on if I didn't try.  Well, after last nights breakup, I reactivated my account.  I want to go out and date, and enjoy being single.  I want to meet new people and try new things. I want to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy every minute.

It's worth it...

I've noticed lately that this is a phrase that has become a active player in my vocabulary.  I find myself justifying many of the things that I do, and even more so, the things I put myself through, but saying that in the end, it's worth it.  That the ends justify the means, and the reward outweighs the sacrifice.

But as I struggle to regain my footing, and take control of my life and my happiness, I am beginning to wonder just how much is "worth it."  I know that going to the gym regularly will better my health and well-being, despite my lack of a life during the work week, and being a little more tired in the mornings.  I know that weight watchers is teaching me better habits, and while I am sick of measuring and weighing food, and miss just opening a bag of chips and eating away, I know that I will be much happier in the long run, and that it is teaching me how to maintain a much healthier lifestyle.

But there are so many other things that I do that I am beginning to wonder if they really are worth it.  Relationships and activities that have always been present, but never been questioned.  These are the things that I do, and have always done, without much question to whether or not they are good for my own well-being.  I've always struggled with the balance of doing what I want to do, and what I have to do.

I know that there are things that I need to sit down and re-evaluate.  That itself is a big step.  But I wonder if I am strong enough to do something about it.  To cut out the unnecessary and negative, and focus only on the positive. I guess in a way I have done that, by ridding myself of my anxiety-ridden emotions, and focused on what I needed to do to be successful at that.

But regardless of anything else, I've come to realize that I am worth it.  And that's what I need to focus on right now.

Love ♥

Today is my anniversary.  I have been with my boyfriend for a year (with the exception of a short split for several weeks in July), and I love him dearly.  We definitely have had our share of issues, but I believe that it's worth it, and we can work through anything.  His birthday is later this week, so we don't have anything planned for tonight, rather we both took a few days off for a long weekend.  Hopefully we can spend some quality time together, and work on rebuilding some of the things that we have struggled with lately.

I've learned a lot from this relationship.  Our relationship is a first for both of us, and its been a complicated year.  It has taken a lot of trial and error to figure out how to navigate things. We learned a lot of things the hard way, and still have a lot to learn.  We broke up for a few weeks in July for countless reasons.  Neither of us were happy, but we couldn't pinpoint what it was that was making us feel this way.  It took splitting up to realize that we wanted to be together, and that we let all of the other things in our lives negatively impact us.  We were able to spend some time where we could each work on ourselves as individuals, so that we could then come back and work out the kinks in our relationship.  It's not easy, but in the end it's what we both want. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but before Mike and I broke up, I had lost a piece of myself.  It wasn't necessarily due to my relationship, but because I let my anxiety rule my life.  We were both having issues, and I became so stressed that I stopped actually trying to make any progress.  I started to pretend to be something I wasn't.  I think the reasoning behind this was twofold. First, I wanted to salvage my relationship.  Secondly, I didn't want to acknowledge the level my anxiety had reached.  I wasn't able to socialize, to spend time in anyplace that was too noisy or crowded, and I found myself constantly overwhelmed by my surroundings.  It wasn't healthy.  But this wasn't caused by my relationship.  Looking back, I think that some of the issues in my relationship were symptoms of my anxiety. 

The time that Mike and I spent apart was necessary.  It gave us the time we needed to recognize what did and didn't really matter, and what we really wanted.  Ultimately, we decided to give our relationship another try.  The hardest obstacle is not falling into old habits, but to use the things that we learned while we were apart to make our relationship stronger. 

I planned on writing this post earlier, before Mike and I got back together.  I spent a month focusing on me, and putting myself back together.  How I feel about him never changed, but how I feel about myself did.  When we got back together I stood up for myself.  I told him that as much as I love him, I need to put myself first.  I will not let myself go down that same path again, and if I have to, I will walk away.  I let myself get absorbed by the negative, and this time, I have to put myself first. 

it's been awhile....

Wow, I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing, aren't I!  It's been an eventful few weeks. But I will post something later... I promise!

Exercise and Weight Loss

I started weight watchers in the middle of April, and have successfully lost 15.6 lbs.  I was able to do this with zero exercise.  I made some serious changes to my diet, and by simply removing a lot of fatty foods, and making common substitutions, I found it to be quite easy.  I didn't have to give anything up completely, and found that I can do almost anything I want in moderation.  I was also extremely lucky because I love to eat fruits and vegetables already, and always have more of them in my diet during the summer, when all the delicious fresh produce comes out!

However, I am at the point where something has to change.  I've gone down 2 sizes, and for the first time in a long time, I'm somewhat happy with my body and how I look.  But I'm only about halfway to my goal.  At this point, in order to get to the point that I ultimately desire, I need to start factoring in some exercise. 

The problem with this is that I hate exercising.  It's not as much the act itself, as it is getting the motivation to get there.  I work 10 hour days, and when my commute is factored in I have a 12 hour day.  I get home and I'm hungry, and exhausted.  The last thing I want to do is go and work out.  I am the queen of excuses.  During the day I get these bursts of energy and motivation, but by the time I get home those are gone.  I can come up with numerous reasons why working out just isn't possible. 

It's time I change that.  I'm looking into joining a gym that's on my way home from work, so I can't go home and change my mind.  I want to want to exercise.  Not just to look better, but to feel better too.  I'm not in shape in the slightest, and one of my goals for the year was to be able to run a 5k.  I started the c25k program, but stopped, because I wasn't comfortable running in my neighborhood (another excuse, regardless of the validity).  I said I would start back up when I moved back home, but that never happened. I did have a gym membership, but I used it for two months and just wasted money while I paid for the rest of the year.

I want this time to be different.  I want to be successful.  This weekend, I'm going to look at the gym, and if they offer what I'm looking for, I'm going to join.  And then I'm going to go.  Because if I can't incorporate exercise into my life, then I can't accomplish what I want to do, and I will never reach my goal.  It's not just about the number on the scale... it's about how I feel about myself, and my body.  And being fit is a big part of that.  So there is no try this time around.  I won't give up like I do with so many other aspects of my life.  Because this isn't just some knitting project I can throw in a drawer and ignore.  This is my life.

Starting for me

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.  I'm not sure if anyone will read this, or if I'll even ever write anything worth reading.  But I guess I don't care.  Because this isn't about everyone else.  This is about me.  A place where I can talk about my issues with my weight and body, my anxiety, my insecurities, and how I face the world.  But for the first time in a long time, I'm facing it head on.  I'm not standing on the sidelines watching my life go by.  I'm living it. 

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to this whole blogging thing.  I honestly have no clue what I'm doing. So there's a good chance that I'll change things around once I figure things out.  This could end up being more of a journal than a blog.  It could just turn out to be a place for me to put myself out there, how I feel, and how I deal with things.  But its there for me.