Here I am, 10 days after celebrating our anniversary, and only 3 weeks into giving our relationship another chance, and my relationship is over. The breakup was completely necessary, and wasn't a surprise in the slightest. But I feel better about it this time around.
The first time that Mike and I broke up, on the 4th of July, our relationship had simply fallen apart. We both had big things going on in our lives, and we weren't happy. Not necessarily with each other, but with life in general. But we were taking out our frustrations on each other, and our relationship. We were apart for 6 weeks, and then decided to give it a second try. I knew by the second day together that it wasn't going to work. But I fought for it. I love him, and for me, that was enough to try.
The problem, as it turned out, was that he wasn't as willing to try. He complained that we fell into old habits, and turned right back into the couple that we were in June, when we were so unhappy. I pointed out that things can't be different if you do the same things you did before, and I couldn't do all the work myself. I tried, he did not. He wasn't willing to stand up for me to his friends, and to justify that he wanted this relationship to work.
I was angry. I yelled, and I blamed. And then I broke down. Because even though I was sure that it needed to end, and that we couldn't go forward like this, it doesn't change the fact that I am in love with him. And since he is my first love, I will probably always have love for him. I wasn't as ready as I thought to let that go. But I did.
I'm surprisingly ok today. As much as it has sucked, I'm glad that the last few weeks happened. I'm glad that we got back together, despite how horribly it ended. I think it was able to give me the closure that was missing the first time around. We just aren't meant to be together.
I had signed up for okcupid when we broke up the first time around. I wasn't looking to jump into anything serious, just to put myself back out there. I wouldn't be able to move on if I didn't try. Well, after last nights breakup, I reactivated my account. I want to go out and date, and enjoy being single. I want to meet new people and try new things. I want to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy every minute.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
It's worth it...
I've noticed lately that this is a phrase that has become a active player in my vocabulary. I find myself justifying many of the things that I do, and even more so, the things I put myself through, but saying that in the end, it's worth it. That the ends justify the means, and the reward outweighs the sacrifice.
But as I struggle to regain my footing, and take control of my life and my happiness, I am beginning to wonder just how much is "worth it." I know that going to the gym regularly will better my health and well-being, despite my lack of a life during the work week, and being a little more tired in the mornings. I know that weight watchers is teaching me better habits, and while I am sick of measuring and weighing food, and miss just opening a bag of chips and eating away, I know that I will be much happier in the long run, and that it is teaching me how to maintain a much healthier lifestyle.
But there are so many other things that I do that I am beginning to wonder if they really are worth it. Relationships and activities that have always been present, but never been questioned. These are the things that I do, and have always done, without much question to whether or not they are good for my own well-being. I've always struggled with the balance of doing what I want to do, and what I have to do.
I know that there are things that I need to sit down and re-evaluate. That itself is a big step. But I wonder if I am strong enough to do something about it. To cut out the unnecessary and negative, and focus only on the positive. I guess in a way I have done that, by ridding myself of my anxiety-ridden emotions, and focused on what I needed to do to be successful at that.
But regardless of anything else, I've come to realize that I am worth it. And that's what I need to focus on right now.
But as I struggle to regain my footing, and take control of my life and my happiness, I am beginning to wonder just how much is "worth it." I know that going to the gym regularly will better my health and well-being, despite my lack of a life during the work week, and being a little more tired in the mornings. I know that weight watchers is teaching me better habits, and while I am sick of measuring and weighing food, and miss just opening a bag of chips and eating away, I know that I will be much happier in the long run, and that it is teaching me how to maintain a much healthier lifestyle.
But there are so many other things that I do that I am beginning to wonder if they really are worth it. Relationships and activities that have always been present, but never been questioned. These are the things that I do, and have always done, without much question to whether or not they are good for my own well-being. I've always struggled with the balance of doing what I want to do, and what I have to do.
I know that there are things that I need to sit down and re-evaluate. That itself is a big step. But I wonder if I am strong enough to do something about it. To cut out the unnecessary and negative, and focus only on the positive. I guess in a way I have done that, by ridding myself of my anxiety-ridden emotions, and focused on what I needed to do to be successful at that.
But regardless of anything else, I've come to realize that I am worth it. And that's what I need to focus on right now.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Love ♥
Today is my anniversary. I have been with my boyfriend for a year (with the exception of a short split for several weeks in July), and I love him dearly. We definitely have had our share of issues, but I believe that it's worth it, and we can work through anything. His birthday is later this week, so we don't have anything planned for tonight, rather we both took a few days off for a long weekend. Hopefully we can spend some quality time together, and work on rebuilding some of the things that we have struggled with lately.
I've learned a lot from this relationship. Our relationship is a first for both of us, and its been a complicated year. It has taken a lot of trial and error to figure out how to navigate things. We learned a lot of things the hard way, and still have a lot to learn. We broke up for a few weeks in July for countless reasons. Neither of us were happy, but we couldn't pinpoint what it was that was making us feel this way. It took splitting up to realize that we wanted to be together, and that we let all of the other things in our lives negatively impact us. We were able to spend some time where we could each work on ourselves as individuals, so that we could then come back and work out the kinks in our relationship. It's not easy, but in the end it's what we both want.
I didn't realize it at the time, but before Mike and I broke up, I had lost a piece of myself. It wasn't necessarily due to my relationship, but because I let my anxiety rule my life. We were both having issues, and I became so stressed that I stopped actually trying to make any progress. I started to pretend to be something I wasn't. I think the reasoning behind this was twofold. First, I wanted to salvage my relationship. Secondly, I didn't want to acknowledge the level my anxiety had reached. I wasn't able to socialize, to spend time in anyplace that was too noisy or crowded, and I found myself constantly overwhelmed by my surroundings. It wasn't healthy. But this wasn't caused by my relationship. Looking back, I think that some of the issues in my relationship were symptoms of my anxiety.
The time that Mike and I spent apart was necessary. It gave us the time we needed to recognize what did and didn't really matter, and what we really wanted. Ultimately, we decided to give our relationship another try. The hardest obstacle is not falling into old habits, but to use the things that we learned while we were apart to make our relationship stronger.
I planned on writing this post earlier, before Mike and I got back together. I spent a month focusing on me, and putting myself back together. How I feel about him never changed, but how I feel about myself did. When we got back together I stood up for myself. I told him that as much as I love him, I need to put myself first. I will not let myself go down that same path again, and if I have to, I will walk away. I let myself get absorbed by the negative, and this time, I have to put myself first.
I've learned a lot from this relationship. Our relationship is a first for both of us, and its been a complicated year. It has taken a lot of trial and error to figure out how to navigate things. We learned a lot of things the hard way, and still have a lot to learn. We broke up for a few weeks in July for countless reasons. Neither of us were happy, but we couldn't pinpoint what it was that was making us feel this way. It took splitting up to realize that we wanted to be together, and that we let all of the other things in our lives negatively impact us. We were able to spend some time where we could each work on ourselves as individuals, so that we could then come back and work out the kinks in our relationship. It's not easy, but in the end it's what we both want.
I didn't realize it at the time, but before Mike and I broke up, I had lost a piece of myself. It wasn't necessarily due to my relationship, but because I let my anxiety rule my life. We were both having issues, and I became so stressed that I stopped actually trying to make any progress. I started to pretend to be something I wasn't. I think the reasoning behind this was twofold. First, I wanted to salvage my relationship. Secondly, I didn't want to acknowledge the level my anxiety had reached. I wasn't able to socialize, to spend time in anyplace that was too noisy or crowded, and I found myself constantly overwhelmed by my surroundings. It wasn't healthy. But this wasn't caused by my relationship. Looking back, I think that some of the issues in my relationship were symptoms of my anxiety.
The time that Mike and I spent apart was necessary. It gave us the time we needed to recognize what did and didn't really matter, and what we really wanted. Ultimately, we decided to give our relationship another try. The hardest obstacle is not falling into old habits, but to use the things that we learned while we were apart to make our relationship stronger.
I planned on writing this post earlier, before Mike and I got back together. I spent a month focusing on me, and putting myself back together. How I feel about him never changed, but how I feel about myself did. When we got back together I stood up for myself. I told him that as much as I love him, I need to put myself first. I will not let myself go down that same path again, and if I have to, I will walk away. I let myself get absorbed by the negative, and this time, I have to put myself first.
it's been awhile....
Wow, I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing, aren't I! It's been an eventful few weeks. But I will post something later... I promise!
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